I fell for the girl that's on TV

Greetings Patheads. I know you've all been anxiously awaiting my next post, sitting at your computer, hitting the Refresh button every 19 seconds in hopes of some new brainchildren courtesy of yours truely. Well Refresh no more (maybe one or two more times, I usually have to make some corrections after I post stuff). I'm back at the keyboard again, typing at warp speeds (approximately 126 words per minute for those of you familiar with Mavis Beacon) to bring you my newest creation.

Now, many of you may recall my rival featuring a countown of lovely ladies birthed in 1986. Probably the best thing about this list was his introductory video link featuring the fine musical group 5ive. But what the Miz failed to mention was the original launching pad of the 5ive hit "Slam Dunk Da Funk." Does he know of what I speak? Do you know? That's right, it's the Disney Channel original movie Smart House. Maybe you've viewed it on some kick-butt video screens.

I would also like to entertain the masses with a countdown of fabulous females. However, I will not choose a lame stipulation like the year of their birth. Nay. I will instead provide a collection of television babes to whom I am very much attracted. Unlike Mike I will not limit my list to a mere 5-piece, but instead go the full 10 rounds.

But we are not without rules unfortunately. I was forced to draw the line somewhere, and my stipulations are such:

i. One babe per show - Taking two ladies from the same program is like putting two songs from the same artist on a mix tape. Faux pas. It's a cop out. Everyone has a favorite, make a choice and stick with it, you can't like Janet AND Chrissy. One or the other.

ii. Main characters only - You gotta be a legit cast member. Even though this means I have to omit my beloved Amanda Peet, who played Jerry's girlfriend on an episode of Seinfeld, if you didn't have your own story arc and your run didn't span multiple seasons (where applicable), sorry you're not making the list.

iii. Familiarity - I must watch (or have watched) the show on a regular (or semi-regular) basis. Enough that I can either recall distinct episodes, quotes, or at the very least hum the theme music.

iv. Fictional - No one from The Hills, Laguna Beach, Real World, Road Rules, The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, The Gauntlet, The Inferno, Fresh Meat, or The Duel are elligible, fake as they are (zing!).

v. Must be of legal age for me at the time your show aired - This one is complicated. Not in a creepy way, but in a practical way. If the character in question is from a show I watched in my youth, chances are the girl was under 18 at the time of the show. This is alright. However, if the character was under 18 on the show and I was over, say, 21 years of age...illegal. Pretty much that eliminates Hayden Panettiere. Too bad. (Lay off! She's 19 now.)

vi. Baywatch babes are inelligible. Just to make this fair.

vii. The most important stipulation, the ladies are chosen on the basis of my attraction to their CHARACTER, not the actress. As much as I enjoy looking at Jennifer Aniston in the role of Rachel, she's a wee bit annoying for me.

Enough with the rules, here are the TV gals I would take out for a romantic date if I were in fact a character on their show (or they a character in mine).

10. Kimberly Hart (aka The Pink Ranger) - Spunky, athletic, and cute as can be. Loses some points due to the fact that she could probably beat me up, but still, her cheerful demeaner and kickin' (see what I did there?) body would make her a pleasure to be around.

9. Bradley "Brad" Taylor - You may think I would have gone for Melody (portrayed by a young Christine Taylor-Stiller) from this classic Nickelodeon show. But something about that sultry voice of Brad's (damned if she's not ruined now by Kleinman) drove a youthful Pat crazy and to this day I would chop off my baby toe to work a summer at a dude ranch with the likes of Brad.

8. Lily Aldrin - I know, I know she's taken by Marshall. And for this reason, I almost went for the equally attractive Robin. However, I was swayed by several things. First, Robin is Canadian...minus one. Two, Robin is annoying...minus two. Three, Robin got with Barney...minus three, four and five. Plus, I'm kind of a Marshall-type so I feel like Lily and I would get along famously if I were cast in Marshall's stead. (Little bonus in that video for you, Cormier...cue evil laugh)

7. Kate Austin - Something of an upset pick for two reasons: 1) you might think she would have been higher on my list 2) many of you know I am partial to Claire and her saucy Austrailian accent. Allow me to explain myself. I would go for Claire if not for one thing, she's got that kid. I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility. Give me the ex-con who plays alpha males (like myself) off of each other for her own amusement. The scene provided also helped to tip the scales. Ay yi yi.

6. Buffy Summers - Stretching my own rules here because I didn't watch everrrry episode of Buffy, but definitely enough to fall in love with her for the entirety of eighth grade (until Britney Spears entered my life). Again, she loses points for making me question whether or not I could take her in a fight (answer: probably), but gee whiz what a gal. To this day, I have trouble tearing my eyes from her mesmorizing glare.

5. Brooke Davis - The one (1) and only reason I watched this show. A vision. Like #9 Brad, I am drawn to her raspy, transfixing voice and my goodness if she's not the best looking dame on TV. Not much else to say. Watch the clip. All her personality flaws are overshadowed by her astounding looks. I'm nothing if not shallow.

4. Betty Draper - Ooo La and La. Just a peach of a woman. Probably a touch old for me realistically, but I'll allow Father Time to fast forward me a few years (or back to 1960 in this case) if he'll kindly present me with Don Draper's place in life. Believe you me, I would never stray from the nest if I had the lovely Betty awaiting me at the homestead; dinner on the stove, Scotch at the ready and the kiddies in bed. E gad.

3. Carrie Heffernen - Another married woman makes the list, but what can I say, she's a doll. Carrie gets the slight edge over Betty due to her cutting sense of humor to go along with her glowing physical attributes. The fact that I may be subject to a witty repartee at the hands of my wife would no doubt keep me on my toes, and having Arthur Spooner in my life would certainly not be unwelcome.

2. Lana Lang - Be still my heart. It took a some serious deliberation to keep Lana out of the top spot. Kind-hearted, intolerably beautiful, and if she's good enough for Superman, she's good enough for me. She made some interesting choices in her life to say the least (leaving Clark to move to France? For art??), her first 3 seasons in Smallville endeared her to me for life. It took quite the gal to top Lana for me, and this is much closer than many may have expected.

1. Kelly Kapowski - Was there any doubt? Kelly has had a stranglehold on this category since I first laid eyes on her circa 1994. My first love, I was empathetic to Zack's plight as he pursued this beauty through the halls of Bayside and beyond. When Kelly dumped Zack for that waiter at the Max, it felt like she was dumping me. When I saw him cheating on Kelly at the over 18 dance club The Attic, I was steamed, but I also felt for Kelly. I only wanted her to be happy. The epitome of television babe perfection, Kelly was smart, nicer than my jumpshot, and swell to be around. Not bad to look at neither. Just the ideal lass for a lad such as myself. I would marry her on the spot.

So there you have it, the babes of TV who have caught my fancy over the years and lured me to the small screen with their encapsulating splendor. And because I believe that television is the true mirror of our lives, I am convinced that a facsimile of one of the above beauties will one day move into the house next door to me, allowing situation comedy (and obviously romance) to ensue.

Next time on patthoughts: Pat struggles to decide which of the dozens of foxy females interested in him is most worthy of his affection, all the while maintaining his overall level of awesomeness. Meanwhile, Mike struggles to cope with his blog's inadequacy and Scott and Pete compete over the attentions of Chappy in a hotbead of jealousy, greed and desire. Be sure to tune in next week to see how it all unfolds. Until then, keep your head on a swivel and don't drop the soap.