Jerks and Creeps Beware

Hi and hello.

It's time for the second installment of the Jerk List. (Quick programming note, the Jerk List has been moved from Fridays to Mondays so as to give me some weekend ammunition with which to load my Han Solo Edition Blaster.) Some of you may know that this is a ripoff, but somebody has to hold the hooligans outside Dameshek's blast radius accountable. If that duty falls to me, so be it. Without further ado..

Let it begiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnn.....

First up, I must take care of some business for my rival. Michael and I may have an ongoing blog-feud, but in reality this a Bird-Magic rivalry. While adversaries on the court, we fight together for a larger goal of saving the internet, one blog at a time. Much like Larry and Earvin saved the NBA, one icy jump shot at a time. So for this reason, I must single out Mr. Brian Ford. After MN unleashed his inspired Junior Goodwill Games analysis, Ford was wondering why he received no credit for the diatribe. What? Mike admits he mentioned this idea to Ford while in its incubation stages, but wherein does Ford's input lie? Are you that desperate for a shout out, Ford, that you are clamoring for one you don't even deserve? How's this for a shout out....YOU'RE A JERK!

Now that I got that out of the way, it's time for a Get Out of Jerk Free Card. Pete Butera stand up and be counted. Originally, I was going to give two of these out to both Peter and Cormier for their anti-Nimerowski (and pro-Pat) comments. But Butera had the wherewithal, the wisdom, the intestinal fortitude to post his sentiment for all the world (or the 6 people who read this blog) to see. For that he and he alone receives an unprecedented (as this is the second edition of this feature) second consecutive Get Out of Jerk Free Card. Take a bow son. You have been immense.

At this time I would like to announce a new running feature here on Pat thoughts. Inspired by Butera's trailblazing, I would like to take this opportunity to invite all of you to post your anti-Mike digs here in the comments section following my posts. Anytime you feel like hating on Mike or his lame blog, this is the place to do it. Jilted lover (Ford)? Feeling under appreciated? Just plain hate his guts? Empty your soul, don't be shy. Especially hurtful or comedic digs on Nimmy will earn a place in the main text of my next post. Quite a prize I know. Now back to the jerks.

A newcomer to this blog, it's my old pal Joe I. Insinuating that I may not produce offspring...HOW DARE YOU! An off the cuff remark, sure, but malicious and uncalled for nonetheless. Where do you get off disparaging my child bearing abilities? My lovely bride (to be determined...submit your applications now) and I will bring forth no less than three apples of my eye (God willing). For you to speak ill of this possibility is just in poor taste. For this reason, Joe I...JERK!

Next, it's a creep of the slimiest breed...a tattle-tale. You know who you are. You read the names on the Jerk List last week, and instead of being thankful for a society now a little bit more jerk-free, you feel the need to rush off and alert those who had in fact put themselves in such a position. What gives Ryan? Granted, the jerks I pinpoint should know of their standing as creeps, how else can they improve their ways. But there's no need for a bystander to point fingers in my direction. I didn't do this to them. They did this to them. Stop snitchin'...JERK!

Now for the Creep of the Week. And for those of you unfamiliar with the Dave Dameshek version on which this is based. Take a look here to experience the passion and seriousness with which I perform this task (also the theme song).

Matthew Maddalo. First you claim you can't vote in my fun-loving poll (quick aside: anyone who hasn't voted...JERKS!) because you feel uncomfortable complimenting another man, an undeniably handsome one at that. Fine, whatever, I leave you to your insecurities. But then, not minutes later, you send me via G Chat the MOST effeminate of smiley faces. Good gracious man, not even your boo (the poor dear) would send me such a questionable symbol and she spews smiley faces like tears at Backstreet Boys concert. Unacceptable.

But you don't stop there. You feel the need to warn a gaggle of evil females that I am on the prowl for jerks. Why should they be given warning!?! They should be perpetually mindful of their actions and live their lives in fear of the sting of the blaster. Who are you to influence their actions? Not only that, your little caution prompted McSweeney to actually TRY to get on this list (she'll get no such satisfaction). This is not how it works. For these, and I'm sure several other infractions...feel the sting. Jerkiness, two counts. Guilty. YOU'RE THE CREEP OF THE WEEK.

That's it. I'm done.