JERKS!

Hi and hello blogsters. It's your old pal, Pat. Pat Veale. What's goin down? Hope all is well where ever you are. Everything is just peachy here in the Wolf's Den out in Amherst, M-A. It's been a furious first week of blogging for me, and I must say I've enjoyed it quite a bit. Look forward to reading more of the great fan mail I have been receiving, especially from all you beautiful babies. Keep it coming (Double entendreeeeeeeee).

Oh no, wait a minute. What's that on the horizon? Looks like there's a storm a brewin'...And it spells bad news for all you jerks and creeps out there.

That's right, it's time for the first of what will become a weekly feature here at www.patthoughts.gov.www/patthoughts, The Jerk List. Yes, I did steal this from my bizoy Dave Dameshek over at 710 ESPN in Los Angeles, but seeing as he probably doesn't read this blog, I'm sure he won't mind if I mop up some of the business he left behind this week.

Now Dave usually takes care of all the jerks and creeps in the world of sports, but he specializes in taking care of the world on a national scale. That is far too heavy an endeavor for yours truely. Maybe in a few years, when DD hires me as a cohost I can take my rightful seat along side him and man the Han Solo Edition Blaster to eliminate those who deserve to be dusted.

For me though, I will be laying the hammer (still utilizing the Han Solo Edition blaster...let's be honest, he's a bad, intergalactic mother) on the jerks and creeps in my own life. I will not stand for jerky behavior or out and out lameness amongst my peers and those in my life who WISH they were my peers.

Before I kick things off, I feel I must give this precurser. Most people, aside from the perpetual creeps, don't enjoy being told that they are jerks. But if you're unhappy about finding yourself on this list, just remember one thing: I didn't do this to you, you did this to you.

That's enough jibber jabber...LET IT BEGIIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!!

First up, it's a recent visitor I hosted here in Western Mass. Now, given my track record (JV captain, what) you would think I would be throwing Maddalo into the line of fire right here. Not so. Not this week anyway. No, no, I am referring to his loving boo Miss Christine (deal with it) McSweeney. This little lady recently confessed that the Louisville Cardinals were her second favorite college basketball team. Jigga what? Not only is Louisville a direct Big East rival to our alma mater the Villanova Wildcats, but do you know why Chrissy likes Louisville? She thought it was cool (COOL!!) that the Louisville coach Tricky Rick Pitino used to coach the Celtics. By coach, I think she means ruin and send into a decade long tailspin before The Big Ticket, Ray Ray, PP, and the gang could join forces under the power of Ubuntu to complete Operation: Green 17. Furthermore, I've often said that Pitino ruined not one, but two of my favorite sports teams. Immediately before walking through the door in Boston, he knocked out my beloved 1996 UMass Minutemen in the Final Four. What gives McSweeney? I'll tell you what gives....You're a JERK!

Next, we have a young man who may or may not have done anything in particular to earn himself a spot on this list of demonic rebels. I'm talking about Chris Dipietro. A seemingly innocent young chap who spends his days earnestly working a 9 to 5er, unlike 50 percent of the people I run around with. But you know what Dipietro. You too busy working to check out this witty piece of prose? Get off your high horse, climb down from that ivory tower and get to readin some blogs. Michael and I do some serious work to entertain the masses and a little recognition from our "friends" would be just super. Until then....JERK!

Now it's time for some Get Out of Jerk Free Cards. Much like Get Out of Jail cards in Monopoly, these little numbers will give you a free pass for any future jerky behavior. If you pull a creep move anytime from this point forward, just play one of these and you and me is square, see.

This week, I'll be presenting a Get Out of Jerk Free Card to Peter Butera, roommate and possible hetero-lifemate of my boy and blog favorite Scott Cormier. Pete has earned his stripes as my #1 fan due to his frequent comment posting (all of you take note, that's how it's done) as well as his steel trap memory for UMass basketball of yore. While he cannot match my brilliance in that category, he is the only one who appreciates my pathetic knowledge and for that I salute him. Peter, feel free to be jerk (preferably in the direction of Nimerowski or a vixen with bad acting skills) because you've got a free pass on me.

Now back to the jerks. This one pains me to dish out. I have throw myself on the Jerk List this week. With the creation of this blog and the growth of such a jaw-droppingly fierce mustache, I have simply become too awesome. It's making everyone else look bad. I mean it's one thing for me to be really, really, ridiculously good looking. And even my charming personality and side-splitting sense of humor can be overcome. But now things are just getting out of hand. Mike's self esteem must be rock bottom right now. It's not something I can help, it's just how it is. But nevertheless, I must do this....Veale..JERK!

That now brings us to, the CREEP OF THE WEEK!

Picture this: Saturday morning. I'm sleeping peacefully in my bed, resting from a long week of doing ill research. Approximately 9:00 am, I hear a grumbling coming from my nightstand. That grumbling turns to the soothing sound of the opening chords of the smash hit from Incubus "Wish You Were Here." But as the drums crash in with their mind-blowing awesomeness, I am jolted awake realizing that this is the sound of my phone ringing. Befuddled at who could be phoning me at such an un-Godly hour, I check the Caller ID. What eyes read, blurry with sleep but still dreamy enough to make your girlfriend weak in the knees, is "Massachusetts 978-xxx-xxxx."

"What the H is this?!?" I exclaim, thinking that the person calling me is some sort of state employee. Had I been fully functioning I may have assumed it was a representative from the University of Massachusetts asking me some sort of questions about my standing as a student. But seeing as I was 89% asleep, I assumed it was the police calling. Don't ask me why, I had done nothing wrong, that's just what I thought. So I clear my throat, and pick up the phone.

"HI PAT. IT'S KELLIE RYAN'S FRIEND HANNAH," a friendly, chipper, yet extremely loud female (they can't get enough) voice says into my now tone-deaf ear.

Come onnnnnnnnn Hannah. You are generally an excellent conveyer of fun and happiness and I enjoy your company a great deal, but at nine effing o'clock on a Saturday. The phone then proceeded to be passed to two other ladies who wanted to hear my soothing voice over the cellular waves, before I was abruptly hung up on and left to my thoughts of how great it would have been to sleep in. I know, two other babes were involved here Hannah, but I blame you as yours was the first voice I heard upon waking from my slumber. I'm sure the other two will receive theirs in due time, but for now Hannah.....YOU'RE THE CREEP OF THE WEEK!

Thus ends the jerk list. Until next time.....DON'T be a jerk.

That's all I got for today, but I think ridding the world of some jerks and creeps should satisfy all my fans for at least the next few hours. I'll be back over the weekend with some more glorious thoughts, but until then...Good talk. See ya out there.